Well it's Monday afternoon and still no blog inspiration. Good thing I'm not a columnist--yet. Presently I'm shirking my mommy duties of playing and instead I'm trying to type to the beat of Calliou. It is almost as annoying as Diego, but not quite. I mean how many towers of blocks can you stack with your 18 month old? We did colors, shapes, cars, legos, snack, wearing hats, loving loveys, stacking, knocking down, climbing up, talking on the phone, music, dancing, playing chase. I'm done. I don't know what else to play. And he's so desperate to go outside, but it's too cold. So instead we woke his big brother who had collapsed in the car, exhausted from his turn at Show and Tell apparently. Now they are playing together and watching a movie. Guess big brother is more fun than me. Super.
Topics on the menu for this week included, teaching your child the finer points of Crazy Eight (I accomplished this in 3 short days. Now on to Gin Rummy), navigating the rules of Show and Tell (no you can't take 6 things to school, it says right here on the paper ONE thing), keeping your toddler out of the kitchen drawers (it is necessary to put packing tape up high, I forgot about that and my toddler taped his hands together somehow), and the most humane way to lock your children in a room while you take a much needed 20 minute nap. Also up for discussion, can caffeine be delivered intravenously? is it possible to exercise without sweating or actually finding time to do it? how expensive is lipo-suction and does it work like a do-over on your ass or does it just suck out the cellulite and leave the skin rolls?
Needless to say my mind is not staying focused on one thing. I started a new job this week and all my creative juices have gone into learning 20 new students. I really like my new placement. Good thing since I'm there until the end of May. The kids are the most precious of the precious. I feel like a million bucks when I'm around them. But they definitely take it out of me.
Lent is upon us on Wednesday. I am attempting to give up a few things. We received a new calendar in the mail this week, much like our Advent calendar, but it's for Lent. Good thing it comes with stickers and instructions. It's a 40 day journey into Jerusalem that takes us through Passover all the way to Easter. Cool. At first I thought it was for the kids (it is), but I decided it's just as helpful for me. Hopefully that little cardboard reminder will inspire me not to give in too easily. So maybe by the weekend when I'm in a hazy spiritual glow from the alcohol and caffeine and sugar detox that is hopefully going to be my Lenten journey, I'll be able to write something more profound. In the mean time, keep it in the road and if you get tired, pull over and nap. So what if people look at you funny when you wake up with a big red outline of a horn on your forehead b/c you nodded off over your steering wheel? That happened to me today and I survived.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
In Memorium
Jesus says to Peter in the New Testament, "Simon, son of John do you love me...[then] feed my sheep." John 20:15
Do you remember that old Sunday School song, "I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together?" It goes on to say, "the church is not a building, the church is not a a steeple, the church is the people." Today I want to remember someone who lived both the song and the verse. This lady was Bonnie. Bonnie passed away over a year ago. This morning in the shower I started thinking about her and about the legacy she left me and countless others who remember her.
Bonnie was a legend among my friends in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship). She was the best cook in the church. She made the best soup. She made a peanut butter sandwich and you thought it was prime rib. I mean she was just awesome. I remember Bonnie mostly for her cooking, but also as my Sunday school teacher, my Children's Hour teacher (precursor to MYF for the younger kids), craft helper, snack/meal provider. Her daughter and I took dance lessons together. I spent the night at her house. She liked cats.
Bonnie was quiet. I'm not sure I ever had a conversation lasting more than 30 seconds at a time with her. But she was one of the most faithful people to our MYF. She never missed a snack/meal for us. When we went on trips, she made food for us to take so we didn't have to buy any. She helped me memorize the books of the Bible during VBS (vacation Bible school). I cannot think of my life in the church without thinking of Bonnie. She was a treasure. And I am sad that she is no longer with us. I still have my Christmas ornament I made in her first grade Sunday school class. It is green and red beaded wreath with a plastic reindeer glued in the center and a red ribbon on top to hide the wire at the top. I cherish all of my Christmas ornaments, but I always always stop and remember her when I pull that one out.
I am remiss that I never got to say thank you to Bonnie when she was alive. And I am even more at fault for not writing this before now and sending it to her daughter. But I'm writing it now. I can only imagine how often the Lord spoke to Bonnie and said, "Bonnie, do you love me? Then feed my sheep." And she did. Every single time. The church is so much more than a place to worship. If you ever wonder how the church can change your life, wonder no more. It's been 15 years since I have been to my old church, and yet in my mind, it's Sunday afternoon and I can see Bonnie's car yet pulled up next to the side entrance of the fellowship hall. Her daughter running down the hill towards us as we jump out of the backseat. There is Bonnie, balancing a cake in one hand and opening her trunk to take in what we all know will be a great meal after our flag football in the side yard before the lesson. Thank you Bonnie for feeding us body and soul, week after week, Sunday after Sunday.
Do you remember that old Sunday School song, "I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together?" It goes on to say, "the church is not a building, the church is not a a steeple, the church is the people." Today I want to remember someone who lived both the song and the verse. This lady was Bonnie. Bonnie passed away over a year ago. This morning in the shower I started thinking about her and about the legacy she left me and countless others who remember her.
Bonnie was a legend among my friends in MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship). She was the best cook in the church. She made the best soup. She made a peanut butter sandwich and you thought it was prime rib. I mean she was just awesome. I remember Bonnie mostly for her cooking, but also as my Sunday school teacher, my Children's Hour teacher (precursor to MYF for the younger kids), craft helper, snack/meal provider. Her daughter and I took dance lessons together. I spent the night at her house. She liked cats.
Bonnie was quiet. I'm not sure I ever had a conversation lasting more than 30 seconds at a time with her. But she was one of the most faithful people to our MYF. She never missed a snack/meal for us. When we went on trips, she made food for us to take so we didn't have to buy any. She helped me memorize the books of the Bible during VBS (vacation Bible school). I cannot think of my life in the church without thinking of Bonnie. She was a treasure. And I am sad that she is no longer with us. I still have my Christmas ornament I made in her first grade Sunday school class. It is green and red beaded wreath with a plastic reindeer glued in the center and a red ribbon on top to hide the wire at the top. I cherish all of my Christmas ornaments, but I always always stop and remember her when I pull that one out.
I am remiss that I never got to say thank you to Bonnie when she was alive. And I am even more at fault for not writing this before now and sending it to her daughter. But I'm writing it now. I can only imagine how often the Lord spoke to Bonnie and said, "Bonnie, do you love me? Then feed my sheep." And she did. Every single time. The church is so much more than a place to worship. If you ever wonder how the church can change your life, wonder no more. It's been 15 years since I have been to my old church, and yet in my mind, it's Sunday afternoon and I can see Bonnie's car yet pulled up next to the side entrance of the fellowship hall. Her daughter running down the hill towards us as we jump out of the backseat. There is Bonnie, balancing a cake in one hand and opening her trunk to take in what we all know will be a great meal after our flag football in the side yard before the lesson. Thank you Bonnie for feeding us body and soul, week after week, Sunday after Sunday.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Why Music is Important
I started thinking about art and music and science and math and literature as disciplines. These subjects are so intertwined you cannot separate them except arbitrarily. For instance, do you know how much math is involved with music? You can actually teach fractions by teaching music theory. Whole notes, quarter notes, half notes, eighth notes, sixteenth notes. Then there is rhythm. Four-four time is four beats per measure with the quarter note acting as the base, one. Then there is the waltz which is three-three time. An octave is eight notes, and within an octave there are thirds, fourths, fifths, etc. Each octave is named for the beginning and ending key (i.e. the key of C, D, E, F, G, A, B). The distance between C and G is a fifth. The distance between C and F is a fourth. And so forth. I could go on, but it gets complicated after that.
Think of the other ways in which we use music to teach things. Every preschool across America knows the "Clean Up" song and "This is the Way we Wash our Hands" song. And by the way, how did you learn your ABC's? There is a song for learning the days of the week, the months of the year, multiplication tables, and even states and capitals. In language therapy with young children, we use songs to open and close the day, for sensory integration, and to teach rote skills and routines.
Science and music are also intricately related on a most basic level. Sound waves, resonance, and frequency can all be related to music because we call these things musical properties, even though they are also scientific properties. Anyone who has ever taken a physical science course remembers the tuning fork exercise when learning about waves and frequencies. When I arrived in my speech science class in graduate school, I began learning in depth about the science of sound. Every phoneme has a distinct and specific frequency and duration that can be physically measured by its sound wave. Technically, if you're good (I was only marginal) you can spell out entire words just by looking at the frequency analysis of each sound. For my speech science final I think I had to label four or five words by looking at their graphs. I could get technical, but I might lose my audience.
Music as a discipline is also multi-faceted. First there is the actual discipline it takes to learn to read music. Then there are the physical and mental challenges of learning to play an instrument. Toss in group dynamics? Singing in a choir requires discipline. You have to follow the director. You have to sing on pitch. Everyone has to sing and sing correctly, or it doesn't work. Same with the orchestra, band, quartet, etc.
From a creativity standpoint, music is one of the most basic art forms in the world. It is a form of discipline and a form of entertainment all at the same time. In the year 2009 we have ring tones for our phones, iTunes is one of the most popular sites ever on the Internet, even our President has an iPod. We use music to sell products on tv and the radio. Here is where I enter my passionate plea since I've stated my rational and dispassionate arguments already. Nothing makes me happier than making music. I make music all day long. Sometimes it's just toe tapping. Sometimes it's humming. Sometimes it's singing. I make up silly songs and silly dances. Some kids just get music. It gets them in ways we don't even understand. If we're going to spend millions of dollars on sports and special education programs and after care programs and pilot learning programs, why can't we spend a little money on a tried and true method of reaching children? Music works.
So now I humbly ask you, education administrators, why exactly is it when we talk about budget cuts the first thing we toss out is art and music? If the above revelations aren't enough for you, here are a few more. What about learning critical thinking skills? What about discovering creativity? I am here to tell you rote memorizing of factual information is not education. Learning what a fraction is, is pointless if it cannot be related to everyday life. Learning to read music is an application of mathematical concepts from the understanding of linear progression to simple fractions and number order. Studying music as an art form is a window into history. Is the national anthem not an important song? Doesn't ever state in our union have a "state song"? Did you know that the book of Psalms in the Bible is a book of songs? What about Song of Solomon? It's also a book in the Old Testament. And if none of these arguments do it for you, here is one more. How do they teach newest members of the armed forces to march? The drill Sergeant teaches them to march in step to a cadence. "I don't know what I've been told...but the art of music is solid gold."
Tune in next week for my arguments for saving art....
Think of the other ways in which we use music to teach things. Every preschool across America knows the "Clean Up" song and "This is the Way we Wash our Hands" song. And by the way, how did you learn your ABC's? There is a song for learning the days of the week, the months of the year, multiplication tables, and even states and capitals. In language therapy with young children, we use songs to open and close the day, for sensory integration, and to teach rote skills and routines.
Science and music are also intricately related on a most basic level. Sound waves, resonance, and frequency can all be related to music because we call these things musical properties, even though they are also scientific properties. Anyone who has ever taken a physical science course remembers the tuning fork exercise when learning about waves and frequencies. When I arrived in my speech science class in graduate school, I began learning in depth about the science of sound. Every phoneme has a distinct and specific frequency and duration that can be physically measured by its sound wave. Technically, if you're good (I was only marginal) you can spell out entire words just by looking at the frequency analysis of each sound. For my speech science final I think I had to label four or five words by looking at their graphs. I could get technical, but I might lose my audience.
Music as a discipline is also multi-faceted. First there is the actual discipline it takes to learn to read music. Then there are the physical and mental challenges of learning to play an instrument. Toss in group dynamics? Singing in a choir requires discipline. You have to follow the director. You have to sing on pitch. Everyone has to sing and sing correctly, or it doesn't work. Same with the orchestra, band, quartet, etc.
From a creativity standpoint, music is one of the most basic art forms in the world. It is a form of discipline and a form of entertainment all at the same time. In the year 2009 we have ring tones for our phones, iTunes is one of the most popular sites ever on the Internet, even our President has an iPod. We use music to sell products on tv and the radio. Here is where I enter my passionate plea since I've stated my rational and dispassionate arguments already. Nothing makes me happier than making music. I make music all day long. Sometimes it's just toe tapping. Sometimes it's humming. Sometimes it's singing. I make up silly songs and silly dances. Some kids just get music. It gets them in ways we don't even understand. If we're going to spend millions of dollars on sports and special education programs and after care programs and pilot learning programs, why can't we spend a little money on a tried and true method of reaching children? Music works.
So now I humbly ask you, education administrators, why exactly is it when we talk about budget cuts the first thing we toss out is art and music? If the above revelations aren't enough for you, here are a few more. What about learning critical thinking skills? What about discovering creativity? I am here to tell you rote memorizing of factual information is not education. Learning what a fraction is, is pointless if it cannot be related to everyday life. Learning to read music is an application of mathematical concepts from the understanding of linear progression to simple fractions and number order. Studying music as an art form is a window into history. Is the national anthem not an important song? Doesn't ever state in our union have a "state song"? Did you know that the book of Psalms in the Bible is a book of songs? What about Song of Solomon? It's also a book in the Old Testament. And if none of these arguments do it for you, here is one more. How do they teach newest members of the armed forces to march? The drill Sergeant teaches them to march in step to a cadence. "I don't know what I've been told...but the art of music is solid gold."
Tune in next week for my arguments for saving art....
Monday, February 2, 2009
Talking to kids about Sex
Well it's time for a down and dirty blog post. Those who know me well, know that I talk about sex alot. I can be funny about it, serious about it, absurd about it, and totally and irreverently bold about it. I am always truthful, always candid, and if you take a straw poll, I am generally saying what everyone else is thinking, but aren't saying. Leave it to me to state the obvious. So here I go. Caution, this is not about my sexual relationship with my husband. I have developed a filter at this late date and I do know that would be entirely inappropriate to post in the blog-o-sphere, so if you're hoping for some gut spilling, you're going to have to go elsewhere....
My husband has become increasingly uncomfortable with my being naked around my older son (he's 4 1/2). Now, please note, I do not parade around the house naked or in my underwear. I don't even wear bikinis anymore and you will rarely find me without a cover-up at the beach or pool unless I'm in my mommy suit. However, my husband is worried that we're sending the wrong signal to my son when he sees me naked. I just laugh gently at him. "What signal?" I asked. "He doesn't even know I don't have any clothes on. Trust me, we'll know when the time comes." And I'm not about to let my child go off to the bathroom alone in a public place. And if I have to pee, the boys come with me. What else am I to do?
Let's also not forget that on weekday mornings, the love of my life trots off to work and leaves me alone with two children to sometimes bathe, always dress, feed, pack lunches for, get coats on, get diaper bags and back packs and show and tell and lunch bags, coats, mittens, hats, toys for the car, keys, cell phone, and three bodies out the door on our way to school and work. Somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm supposed to shower, fix my hair, find clothes that match and aren't stained, and make sure I have on clean underwear and shoes. Granted I could get up before everyone else and do all that, but who the hell thinks that is fair? I don't. So, I have to lock the kids in the bathroom with me so I can get ready. If I didn't do that, I would get out of the shower to find my toddler stuck inside the chimney and my 4 1/2 year old dialing 911 to see if the police show up. I'd be standing there dripping wet in a towel with the local cops knocking on my door. Can we say arrested for child endangerment and indecent exposure?
Anyway, our short discussion about my sons possibly seeing mommy naked and being somehow scarred for life got me thinking about sex and my children and how to talk about sex when the time comes. Sure, pretty soon, I'm going to have to suck it up and get ready before the boys get up. But by then, they can watch cartoons (and get all those sexual innuendos running through their spongy little brains) while I get ready. And yes, I have a while before the birds and bees talk, maybe not as long as we did a generation ago, but a while. Plus I have two boys so luckily my talk might be a little shorter and a little easier, but I don't know. Being a woman, I think often times we sell our men short by letting them off with a shorter less meaningful conversation about sex.
As I was thinking about this topic, I realized that teaching your children about sex encompasses so much more than just the birds and the bees talk. Sex has several definitions: first, it means male or female--as in what sex is your baby? Second, it means the actual act of intercourse. Third, it means anything from applying gender labels to advertising body lotion. There is sex in music, movies, books, billboards, tv shows, advertisements. Sex is everywhere. So how do you talk to your child about sex?
Think about sex in broader terms. What do you want your children to know about the way men and women relate to each other in general? What do you want your children to know about intimacy? Intimacy is critical, because often people confuse intimacy with sex. What do you want your children to know about how they should be treated by a man or woman they care about? What do you want your children to know about gender? Is it an important distinction? Why? What do you want them to know about sex that will later translate into how they think men and women should be treated at church, in the workplace, in social situations? What do they think about rape? About child molestation? About pornography? About sexual slavery? These are all weighty and important topics.
First, I think you wait as long as you can to talk about sex at all. There is no need to bring up a topic that your child will neither understand or appreciate. My 4 1/2 year old knows that there are boys and girls in his class, but only recently has he begun saying "I don't want to play with girls" or "I don't want to invite any girls over here to play." And I honestly think he's just repeating somebody else. He certainly plays his heart out with any little girls he is around at church or on the playground or who come visit us with their parents. Obviously we aren't going to have a discussion about child pornography and the child-slave trade when my sons are 7 and 10. But you bet your boots we're going to talk about Stranger Danger and good/bad touching and public safety.
Secondly, I think the way you talk about sex is how you act about sex. Do you let your kids see you kissing your spouse? (I don't mean a major mack session, I just mean a hello/goodbye smooch or something else equally benign.) Is that okay with you? For some it is and some it isn't. How do you and your spouse treat each other or tease each other? Are there "daddy jobs" and "mommy jobs" at your house? Why are those routines labeled as such? Is it personal preference? Is it a joke? We're equal opportunity diaper changers and garbage taker outers and kitchen cleaner uppers and bathtime givers around here, for example. When your children slay you with the, "oh but I'm a boy and only boys are allowed to play with this toy/in this room" do you let it go? Do you laugh and go in anyway? Do you say okay, but talk about it later? I do work, but I don't pay our bills. I often find myself excusing my husband's absence to my kids by saying, "Daddy is working to make money so you and I can go do x and y today." Now all by itself that's an innocuous statement. But it would be an easy extrapolation for my child to think only daddies make money to pay bills. Not true. So where do we go from here? I am not passing judgment on any of these moments. Lord knows I fall short all the time. But I am pointing out how easy judgments about sex creep up and bite you on the ass in every day life at home.
Finally, and this is the fun part, what am I going to say about sex to my boys? Heaven help me I don't know. Yes, I Marla, am speechless. I just don't know how much is too much and how much is too little. I know I'm going to have to undo a lot of false information for my boys that the world will put out there for them. That alone would keep me going for hours. I also know it's going to be up to me as the mother to allow their father to guide them through the delicate process of manhood. I also know that how I allow myself to be treated by their father, by their grandfathers, by their friends and other men I know socially or men I see on the street sets precedent and examples for what they will expect other women to act like. Boy won't they be surprised? I also know that what I say about other women will not fall on deaf ears. We women are harder on ourselves than other men. We cannot allow our propensity for judgment color what our children think of other mommies, other girls, other women they know and meet.
Oh I wish this parenting thing was easier. Why do people who know these things already never tell you how hard it is going to be? I guess that's why I've always been so loud about sex in general. Why would you act like you don't know anything about sex, or that it shouldn't be talked about, when everyone is doing it and we all have the same issues? I don't know why we let issues bully us around. But we do. So there you have it. There's my take on sex and children. I'm sure as my boys get older, much to their chagrin, I will have lots more to say about it. Meanwhile, I'll just keep saying colorful things that add a little more spice to the afternoon barbeque.
My husband has become increasingly uncomfortable with my being naked around my older son (he's 4 1/2). Now, please note, I do not parade around the house naked or in my underwear. I don't even wear bikinis anymore and you will rarely find me without a cover-up at the beach or pool unless I'm in my mommy suit. However, my husband is worried that we're sending the wrong signal to my son when he sees me naked. I just laugh gently at him. "What signal?" I asked. "He doesn't even know I don't have any clothes on. Trust me, we'll know when the time comes." And I'm not about to let my child go off to the bathroom alone in a public place. And if I have to pee, the boys come with me. What else am I to do?
Let's also not forget that on weekday mornings, the love of my life trots off to work and leaves me alone with two children to sometimes bathe, always dress, feed, pack lunches for, get coats on, get diaper bags and back packs and show and tell and lunch bags, coats, mittens, hats, toys for the car, keys, cell phone, and three bodies out the door on our way to school and work. Somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm supposed to shower, fix my hair, find clothes that match and aren't stained, and make sure I have on clean underwear and shoes. Granted I could get up before everyone else and do all that, but who the hell thinks that is fair? I don't. So, I have to lock the kids in the bathroom with me so I can get ready. If I didn't do that, I would get out of the shower to find my toddler stuck inside the chimney and my 4 1/2 year old dialing 911 to see if the police show up. I'd be standing there dripping wet in a towel with the local cops knocking on my door. Can we say arrested for child endangerment and indecent exposure?
Anyway, our short discussion about my sons possibly seeing mommy naked and being somehow scarred for life got me thinking about sex and my children and how to talk about sex when the time comes. Sure, pretty soon, I'm going to have to suck it up and get ready before the boys get up. But by then, they can watch cartoons (and get all those sexual innuendos running through their spongy little brains) while I get ready. And yes, I have a while before the birds and bees talk, maybe not as long as we did a generation ago, but a while. Plus I have two boys so luckily my talk might be a little shorter and a little easier, but I don't know. Being a woman, I think often times we sell our men short by letting them off with a shorter less meaningful conversation about sex.
As I was thinking about this topic, I realized that teaching your children about sex encompasses so much more than just the birds and the bees talk. Sex has several definitions: first, it means male or female--as in what sex is your baby? Second, it means the actual act of intercourse. Third, it means anything from applying gender labels to advertising body lotion. There is sex in music, movies, books, billboards, tv shows, advertisements. Sex is everywhere. So how do you talk to your child about sex?
Think about sex in broader terms. What do you want your children to know about the way men and women relate to each other in general? What do you want your children to know about intimacy? Intimacy is critical, because often people confuse intimacy with sex. What do you want your children to know about how they should be treated by a man or woman they care about? What do you want your children to know about gender? Is it an important distinction? Why? What do you want them to know about sex that will later translate into how they think men and women should be treated at church, in the workplace, in social situations? What do they think about rape? About child molestation? About pornography? About sexual slavery? These are all weighty and important topics.
First, I think you wait as long as you can to talk about sex at all. There is no need to bring up a topic that your child will neither understand or appreciate. My 4 1/2 year old knows that there are boys and girls in his class, but only recently has he begun saying "I don't want to play with girls" or "I don't want to invite any girls over here to play." And I honestly think he's just repeating somebody else. He certainly plays his heart out with any little girls he is around at church or on the playground or who come visit us with their parents. Obviously we aren't going to have a discussion about child pornography and the child-slave trade when my sons are 7 and 10. But you bet your boots we're going to talk about Stranger Danger and good/bad touching and public safety.
Secondly, I think the way you talk about sex is how you act about sex. Do you let your kids see you kissing your spouse? (I don't mean a major mack session, I just mean a hello/goodbye smooch or something else equally benign.) Is that okay with you? For some it is and some it isn't. How do you and your spouse treat each other or tease each other? Are there "daddy jobs" and "mommy jobs" at your house? Why are those routines labeled as such? Is it personal preference? Is it a joke? We're equal opportunity diaper changers and garbage taker outers and kitchen cleaner uppers and bathtime givers around here, for example. When your children slay you with the, "oh but I'm a boy and only boys are allowed to play with this toy/in this room" do you let it go? Do you laugh and go in anyway? Do you say okay, but talk about it later? I do work, but I don't pay our bills. I often find myself excusing my husband's absence to my kids by saying, "Daddy is working to make money so you and I can go do x and y today." Now all by itself that's an innocuous statement. But it would be an easy extrapolation for my child to think only daddies make money to pay bills. Not true. So where do we go from here? I am not passing judgment on any of these moments. Lord knows I fall short all the time. But I am pointing out how easy judgments about sex creep up and bite you on the ass in every day life at home.
Finally, and this is the fun part, what am I going to say about sex to my boys? Heaven help me I don't know. Yes, I Marla, am speechless. I just don't know how much is too much and how much is too little. I know I'm going to have to undo a lot of false information for my boys that the world will put out there for them. That alone would keep me going for hours. I also know it's going to be up to me as the mother to allow their father to guide them through the delicate process of manhood. I also know that how I allow myself to be treated by their father, by their grandfathers, by their friends and other men I know socially or men I see on the street sets precedent and examples for what they will expect other women to act like. Boy won't they be surprised? I also know that what I say about other women will not fall on deaf ears. We women are harder on ourselves than other men. We cannot allow our propensity for judgment color what our children think of other mommies, other girls, other women they know and meet.
Oh I wish this parenting thing was easier. Why do people who know these things already never tell you how hard it is going to be? I guess that's why I've always been so loud about sex in general. Why would you act like you don't know anything about sex, or that it shouldn't be talked about, when everyone is doing it and we all have the same issues? I don't know why we let issues bully us around. But we do. So there you have it. There's my take on sex and children. I'm sure as my boys get older, much to their chagrin, I will have lots more to say about it. Meanwhile, I'll just keep saying colorful things that add a little more spice to the afternoon barbeque.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Child Development
The mind of a child is something incredible to behold. I spent some quality one to one time with my almost 18 month old today. Watching the little wheels turn inside his brain was really something special. He is so like his brother was and yet so different. I don't know how much of it is sex (male versus female wiring), how much of it is genetics, and how much of it is just plain "all kids are like that." Take filling and dumping for example. We all know how fascinated one to two year olds are with filling and dumping anything--blocks in a wagon, pens in a box, balls in a bag, gravel in a dump truck, sand in a bucket. It's a normal developmental process children go through.
Both of my sons however, have taken filling and dumping to the next level. Today my 18 month old became fascinated with a box of flashcards. He asked me to help him open the flap and then he dumped them out on the floor. I thought he was going to look at the pictures. Instead, one at a time, he patiently placed them, same side up, back into the box--every single card. Then he asked me to close the flap of the box back and tuck it in. And then I had to open it again. We did this several times, for about 10 or 12 minutes. My older son was always fascinated by doing similar things. He had and still has a great love of the sandbox. But the sand had to go in a certain bucket using only a certain shovel and up to a certain imaginary line that only he could see. Then he would dump it out, scrape the sand over into a pile, and start again.
Who knew watching a child stack blocks could be so fascinating? My younger son has no particular rhyme or reason to it other than to stack up the blocks and knock them down as quickly as possible. He doesn't even mind if they fall before he's finished. He just laughs. My oldest was always very specific. The blocks had to be in perfect alignment and he would become highly frustrated if they fell before he could knock them over.
Watching grass grow has nothing on watching my boys play with tinker toys, Lego's, or Lincoln logs. Seriously, these activities go on a long long long time. Both of my boys are very into this, but again sharply distinct. The baby has excellent fine motor skills for a child his age. It's frightening to watch an 18 month old fit tinker toy sticks into the holes of the wheels appropriately. My oldest would never have done that. He has only been able to do these more labor intensive fine motor things in the last year. Of course, the baby puts a red stick into a blue circle over and over and over--the same ones, whereas my 4 1/2 year old actually makes things--rockets, guns, planes, swords, etc. The most interesting thing about watching this is how intently they are both working on their play. Serious thinking is going on including cause and effect, play elaboration, creation, sorting, stacking, categorizing, sizing, problem solving.
The next time your toddler's incessant need to do something over and over makes your eyes glaze over (believe me if it isn't your first child, this will happen a LOT faster and there will be no video footage of the events) take a moment later on over a glass of wine or a beer to marvel at the amazing brain power your child is attempting to harness. Think of the potential creativity, movement, problem solving, and consensus that is being developed. By giving our children the opportunity to have these types of playthings, a safe space in which to play, and the time we allow them to work uninterrupted sends a very important signal to our children. We are saying what you are doing is important. Your play is your work. Learning is a part of our life in this home.
I realize that my sons may be unique in their ability to play with each other and even alone by themselves for long periods of time (upwards of 20 to 30 minutes sometimes)--or maybe not? Regardless, I think uninterrupted play is a wonderful goal for parents and in particular mommies. We often get so caught up in "engaging our children" or giving them constant attention or feeling as if we aren't "playing" with them enough. It is really my husband who taught me this.
I am often seriously frustrated with my husband's ability to just sit on the couch and read the paper while the boys destroy the house around him. At first (and even still) I criticized him for "ignoring them" or "babysitting" instead of parenting, when in reality, he is giving them plenty of space and time to work it out on their own. Obviously we intervene when the kids get hurt, or fight, or hit their heads. And we don't let them go on too long because silence is not a good sign around here! I have learned particularly with my second child, leaving children to their play is important. It models self-sufficiency. "You are big enough to entertain yourself. There is nothing like quality snuggle time with mommy, but mommy does not have to constantly entertain you." This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but an important one for me and my children. Brain development is going on in the quiet spaces just as much as in the rowdy, interactive, song and dance spaces. Sit back and watch sometime, I bet you'll see it. Better yet, hide behind the door sometime and watch them through the crack. What you find will light up your world.
Both of my sons however, have taken filling and dumping to the next level. Today my 18 month old became fascinated with a box of flashcards. He asked me to help him open the flap and then he dumped them out on the floor. I thought he was going to look at the pictures. Instead, one at a time, he patiently placed them, same side up, back into the box--every single card. Then he asked me to close the flap of the box back and tuck it in. And then I had to open it again. We did this several times, for about 10 or 12 minutes. My older son was always fascinated by doing similar things. He had and still has a great love of the sandbox. But the sand had to go in a certain bucket using only a certain shovel and up to a certain imaginary line that only he could see. Then he would dump it out, scrape the sand over into a pile, and start again.
Who knew watching a child stack blocks could be so fascinating? My younger son has no particular rhyme or reason to it other than to stack up the blocks and knock them down as quickly as possible. He doesn't even mind if they fall before he's finished. He just laughs. My oldest was always very specific. The blocks had to be in perfect alignment and he would become highly frustrated if they fell before he could knock them over.
Watching grass grow has nothing on watching my boys play with tinker toys, Lego's, or Lincoln logs. Seriously, these activities go on a long long long time. Both of my boys are very into this, but again sharply distinct. The baby has excellent fine motor skills for a child his age. It's frightening to watch an 18 month old fit tinker toy sticks into the holes of the wheels appropriately. My oldest would never have done that. He has only been able to do these more labor intensive fine motor things in the last year. Of course, the baby puts a red stick into a blue circle over and over and over--the same ones, whereas my 4 1/2 year old actually makes things--rockets, guns, planes, swords, etc. The most interesting thing about watching this is how intently they are both working on their play. Serious thinking is going on including cause and effect, play elaboration, creation, sorting, stacking, categorizing, sizing, problem solving.
The next time your toddler's incessant need to do something over and over makes your eyes glaze over (believe me if it isn't your first child, this will happen a LOT faster and there will be no video footage of the events) take a moment later on over a glass of wine or a beer to marvel at the amazing brain power your child is attempting to harness. Think of the potential creativity, movement, problem solving, and consensus that is being developed. By giving our children the opportunity to have these types of playthings, a safe space in which to play, and the time we allow them to work uninterrupted sends a very important signal to our children. We are saying what you are doing is important. Your play is your work. Learning is a part of our life in this home.
I realize that my sons may be unique in their ability to play with each other and even alone by themselves for long periods of time (upwards of 20 to 30 minutes sometimes)--or maybe not? Regardless, I think uninterrupted play is a wonderful goal for parents and in particular mommies. We often get so caught up in "engaging our children" or giving them constant attention or feeling as if we aren't "playing" with them enough. It is really my husband who taught me this.
I am often seriously frustrated with my husband's ability to just sit on the couch and read the paper while the boys destroy the house around him. At first (and even still) I criticized him for "ignoring them" or "babysitting" instead of parenting, when in reality, he is giving them plenty of space and time to work it out on their own. Obviously we intervene when the kids get hurt, or fight, or hit their heads. And we don't let them go on too long because silence is not a good sign around here! I have learned particularly with my second child, leaving children to their play is important. It models self-sufficiency. "You are big enough to entertain yourself. There is nothing like quality snuggle time with mommy, but mommy does not have to constantly entertain you." This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but an important one for me and my children. Brain development is going on in the quiet spaces just as much as in the rowdy, interactive, song and dance spaces. Sit back and watch sometime, I bet you'll see it. Better yet, hide behind the door sometime and watch them through the crack. What you find will light up your world.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Caddie Woodlawn
I first read "Caddie Woodlawn" in the fourth grade. Since that time, I have probably reread the book a dozen times. Last night I picked it up again, for something light to help me drift off to sleep. I love the easy writing with the fun stories of Tom, Warren, and Caddie. Their mischief is predictable and good always triumphs over evil.
I was not prepared however for the kernel of truth I found last night for the first time. My husband accuses me of reading books too fast, skipping pages, and not possibly knowing the whole story of a book. Well, we aren't all blessed with a photographic memory like his and we don't all read books as if we are headed into a brain dissection in the morning. He may have spoken a tiny sliver of truth though, because I've read "Caddie Woodlawn" many times and only last night was I pulled up short by the words on the page. Caddie's father apologizes to Caddie by way of explanation after an unfair punishment she received earlier in the day from her mother. Perhaps I've always dismissed it as trite or old-fashioned, or maybe I cast it off because I was still mad that the boys didn't get punished when it was their idea too. Regardless, the words spoke to me differently this time:
"Perhaps Mother was a little hasty today Caddie," he said. "She really loves you very much and you see she expects more of you than she would of someone she didn't care about. It's a strange thing, but somehow we expect more of girls than of boys. It is the sisters and wives and mothers, you know, Caddie, who keep the world sweet and beautiful. What a rough world it would be if there were only men and boys in it, doing things in their rough way! A woman's task is to teach them gentleness and courtesy and love and kindness. It's a big task too Caddie--harder than cutting trees or building mills or damming rivers. It takes nerve and courage and patience, but good women have those things. They have them just as much as the men who build bridges and carve roads through the wilderness. A woman's work is something fine and noble to grow up to and its just as important as a man's. But no man could ever do it so well. I don't want you to be the silly, affected person with fine clothes and manners, whom folks sometimes call a lady. No, that is not what I want for you my little girl. I want you to be a woman with a wise and understanding heart, healthy in body and honest in mind." *
Now if we strip away the obvious man's work/woman's work dynamic and we take the statement for what it is in the time period for which it is uttered, these are some profound truths. Caddie's father is rather open-minded for someone in 1860. And if we look carefully, there are some "test of time" phrases in there that I would certainly wish to say to my own daughter if I had one. Good women have nerve and courage and patience. They have understanding hearts and honest minds. Good health is not something to take lightly.
Substitute the word mother for woman. It makes sense to do so, because almost all women of that time (1860s) assumed they would play the role of wife and mother at some point. When you make the substitution, you have the same points we hear time and again in the 21st century to describe good mothers. Think of a mother's desire to keep the world as sweet and safe and beautiful and kind as it can possibly be for her children for as long as she can. Think of a mother's job in teaching kindness to her children. She teaches through her own gentleness and love. A mother teaches courtesy and love and affection by showing it in her relationship with her husband. It takes nerve and courage and patience to leave your home and the safety of what you know (even in the year 2009) to marry someone you think you love, grow a child inside your body, raise a family, and live your life in whatever time you may be living. Perhaps pioneers understood this better because the risks were greater then. Or maybe, Caddie Woodlawn's dad was just one in a million.
What matters is that it is important to teach our daughters and our sons what it means to be a woman of character and strength. We want them to recognize truth and kindness and courage and patience in people. We want our daughters to be strong, kind, faithful women who can influence, for good, people in their lives--husbands, children, friends, coworkers, other women. I want my sons to marry good, honest, hard-working, loving women who will not only cherish them, but pull them up short when they start throwing their weight around. I want my sons to recognize women of strength and character and wisdom as women who can help them make the world a better place and if they choose to marry them, make strong stable loving families.
"Caddie Woodlawn" won the Newberry Medal for children's literature and is considered to be a children's classic. I seriously doubt that when I was reading this book for the first time at 9 that I realized the influence this book would have on me some 20+ years later. If nothing else, I think rereading it again has inspired me to pick up the books my children are reading. I don't want to miss an opportunity to share with them the wonderful world of books and the lessons we can find in them together.
* Brink, Carol Ryrie. "Caddie Woodlawn." Macmillian Publishing Company, New York, NY, 1935. Quote taken from page 215-216 in the Collier Books Edition, 1970.
I was not prepared however for the kernel of truth I found last night for the first time. My husband accuses me of reading books too fast, skipping pages, and not possibly knowing the whole story of a book. Well, we aren't all blessed with a photographic memory like his and we don't all read books as if we are headed into a brain dissection in the morning. He may have spoken a tiny sliver of truth though, because I've read "Caddie Woodlawn" many times and only last night was I pulled up short by the words on the page. Caddie's father apologizes to Caddie by way of explanation after an unfair punishment she received earlier in the day from her mother. Perhaps I've always dismissed it as trite or old-fashioned, or maybe I cast it off because I was still mad that the boys didn't get punished when it was their idea too. Regardless, the words spoke to me differently this time:
"Perhaps Mother was a little hasty today Caddie," he said. "She really loves you very much and you see she expects more of you than she would of someone she didn't care about. It's a strange thing, but somehow we expect more of girls than of boys. It is the sisters and wives and mothers, you know, Caddie, who keep the world sweet and beautiful. What a rough world it would be if there were only men and boys in it, doing things in their rough way! A woman's task is to teach them gentleness and courtesy and love and kindness. It's a big task too Caddie--harder than cutting trees or building mills or damming rivers. It takes nerve and courage and patience, but good women have those things. They have them just as much as the men who build bridges and carve roads through the wilderness. A woman's work is something fine and noble to grow up to and its just as important as a man's. But no man could ever do it so well. I don't want you to be the silly, affected person with fine clothes and manners, whom folks sometimes call a lady. No, that is not what I want for you my little girl. I want you to be a woman with a wise and understanding heart, healthy in body and honest in mind." *
Now if we strip away the obvious man's work/woman's work dynamic and we take the statement for what it is in the time period for which it is uttered, these are some profound truths. Caddie's father is rather open-minded for someone in 1860. And if we look carefully, there are some "test of time" phrases in there that I would certainly wish to say to my own daughter if I had one. Good women have nerve and courage and patience. They have understanding hearts and honest minds. Good health is not something to take lightly.
Substitute the word mother for woman. It makes sense to do so, because almost all women of that time (1860s) assumed they would play the role of wife and mother at some point. When you make the substitution, you have the same points we hear time and again in the 21st century to describe good mothers. Think of a mother's desire to keep the world as sweet and safe and beautiful and kind as it can possibly be for her children for as long as she can. Think of a mother's job in teaching kindness to her children. She teaches through her own gentleness and love. A mother teaches courtesy and love and affection by showing it in her relationship with her husband. It takes nerve and courage and patience to leave your home and the safety of what you know (even in the year 2009) to marry someone you think you love, grow a child inside your body, raise a family, and live your life in whatever time you may be living. Perhaps pioneers understood this better because the risks were greater then. Or maybe, Caddie Woodlawn's dad was just one in a million.
What matters is that it is important to teach our daughters and our sons what it means to be a woman of character and strength. We want them to recognize truth and kindness and courage and patience in people. We want our daughters to be strong, kind, faithful women who can influence, for good, people in their lives--husbands, children, friends, coworkers, other women. I want my sons to marry good, honest, hard-working, loving women who will not only cherish them, but pull them up short when they start throwing their weight around. I want my sons to recognize women of strength and character and wisdom as women who can help them make the world a better place and if they choose to marry them, make strong stable loving families.
"Caddie Woodlawn" won the Newberry Medal for children's literature and is considered to be a children's classic. I seriously doubt that when I was reading this book for the first time at 9 that I realized the influence this book would have on me some 20+ years later. If nothing else, I think rereading it again has inspired me to pick up the books my children are reading. I don't want to miss an opportunity to share with them the wonderful world of books and the lessons we can find in them together.
* Brink, Carol Ryrie. "Caddie Woodlawn." Macmillian Publishing Company, New York, NY, 1935. Quote taken from page 215-216 in the Collier Books Edition, 1970.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Inauguration
Some of the best lines from a great speech. I remain quite hopeful that America's best interests will be served.
"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."
To all those who are disappointed in the outcome of the election, it's time to get over it. We as a nation proved again today that every four years we can choose unity of purpose over conflict and discord by peacefully transferring power to those who won the election. This is not a reality to be taken lightly. Look at the world's track record on elections and ask yourself, am I glad to be an American or what? If you aren't glad to be in America and you don't exercise your right to vote and accept the outcome, then don't let the border gate hit your ass on the way out to somewhere else. Delta is ready when you are.
"On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics"
Oh I sure hope so. It would be such a relief to go forward and do the work that really needs to be done. And if Obama could somehow make cable news networks shut up that would be great too.
I don't think I need to expand upon this one.
"The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works?"
Excellent point. The system is broken on so many levels. Let's fix it and move on.
"Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill...The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good."
I think Obama has a handle on this. Let's hope Congress doesn't derail the train of hope. I like that thought, "the reach of our prosperity". We can use our nation's prosperity in so many ways that don't necessarily translate into more government programs and an increase in taxation. I doubt seriously Nancy Pelosi believes that, but there is another election in two years in case she's thinking her reach is bigger than my reach.
"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies."
Finally, someone is calling out the American people. Our freedom and way of life are not accidents. Get on board America. It's an "ask not what your country can do" reprisal.
"Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true."
Dear America, if you don't know what these words mean look 'em up. Decide what you are. Are you working hard for America or are you looking out for yourself? Are you being honest every day or are you lacking the courage to do so? Are you a tolerant person who believes in fair play? Basically, I'm asking--to borrow words from Bill O'Reilly--are you a pinhead or a patriot? Get on board America, it's time for a little audacity of hope.
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