The Magic of the Magical Kingdom

We just finished our first family trip to Disney World. Indulge me if you will by musing over my musings about the magical world of Mickey Mouse...
First of all where was Mickey mouse?? I only saw him two times--at a rope drop and at a parade. Apparently he has been replaced as the main squeeze by other characters like princesses for every conceivable storyline and other toys that have come to life? I don't know.
Secondly, why has Disney fallen prey to consumer clutches? After EVERY ride we went through a store selling CSC (also know as cheap shit from China). This disappointed me.
Thirdly, we had a super time. It truly was a family vacation. Even though the baby was stroller bound most of the time, there was enough for all of us to do together that no one felt left out.
Fourth, I was so happy to be reminded that all parents lose their temper. We just boil at different degrees. I felt vindicated in small part, by all the crying screaming tantrum throwing children and their bedraggled short-tempered parents surrounding us. I know it's horrible of me to write such a statement. But really, it's so helpful to realize you are not alone in the world.
Fifth, do not underestimate the power of a hotel pool. One with a poolside bar will increase family happiness considerably. An afternoon beer while watching the kids play in the splash pool is a magical thing regardless of where you are.
All in all, I'd say WDW is a fun vacation destination and I can see why people go back again and again. Who knows, maybe when I get around to unpacking, I'll find a bit of magic pixie dust in the bottom of the bag....

The Transformation of Anger

This week I have been contemplating the transformational power of anger. I have never thought of anger as a positive force for change before. My current devotional study, "The Way of Forgiveness" by Companions in Christ is guiding me through shame, guilt, anger, and forgiveness in a gentle, but thought-provoking way. On page 49 of my book I read, "we are not so much called to rid ourselves of anger as to allow it to become, in some sense, a spiritual guide." Imagine me telling that to my parents as a teen! Mom and Dad, I'm not angry, I'm following a spiritual guidance of total frustration! On a more serious note, I have tried to sit with my frustrations and disappointments and annoyances this week to see if I could get to the heart of the matter. On at least one occasion I was successful. Progress, however incremental is still progress.

I have also tried to pray for my enemies this week. I don't have true enemies I guess, but I have tried hard to pray for people who have disappointed me, or hurt my feelings. I have even spent a little time pondering attitudes I don't understand. I didn't get very far, but I'm trying. Time is a gift and helper in this exercise. I have a two-fold perspective of time. One, I don't have time to spend energy on this so I'm moving on. And two, the more days that pass, the less anger I seem to generate about what happened. Using these two opposite thoughts, I am inching slowly down the path of forgiveness.

The take away message for me this week is the following: "To practice gratitude, praise, and blessing in the midst of annoyance, difficulty, and suffering is one of the great spiritual disciplines....Learning to cope constructively with hurt and anger lays the groundwork for what is perhaps the most challenging spiritual practice in human life: forgiveness." (Page 53 of my study, lest you think I wrote those words myself.)

One of the tenets of today's sermon spoke to me as it dovetails nicely with this journey of forgiveness I am on. He said he believes that "our capacity to love one another is directly proportional with our capacity to forgive one another." I think this is true of all the emotions that operate in tension with one another. They are two sides of the same coin---love/hate, laughter/tears, hope/despair, joy/grief, faith/doubt. Our capacity for one broadens the space for the other. How can we know one without knowing at least a little bit of the other? Joys are always sweeter when we've been denied access to joy. Love is always stronger when it has been challenged by a force against love. Hope is born of despair, and sometimes we laugh so hard we cry.

It amazes me how after two weeks of sitting and facing anger it seems a little easier to deal with. Anger becomes another process. I don't mean to diminish its existence or lessen its power, but the focal point of anger has changed for me. After my initial reaction (still working on that part), I ask: What am I trying to tell myself? Why am I having such a gut-reaction? What is it in me that causes such a surge of emotion? Why do I reject something so strongly? Has this been building? Where did it start? And most importantly, where do I go now?

Hopefully more and more often we will choose to go directly to the Father and lay it all out for Him. Without His guidance through the Holy Spirit and Jesus' example, we could wallow in anger for a long long long time. But I think Jesus might think that a waste of our time. We were meant for something greater. If we allow that wallowing to be meaningless, then it has served no purpose. It's just negative energy. Another quote from my study guide, "The value of [praying directly to God about anger] is that it faces us squarely with ourselves as we are now, [which is] a critical understanding....'God cannot find you where you think you ought to be; God can only find you where you actually are.' If we do not recognize where we are, we cannot fully offer ourselves to God for healing." (page 50-51)

As I continue on this journey--which I know will be a lifelong one, I hope that I can find a way to love more deeply (forgive), live more fully (forgive), and react more positively (forgive) to people, events, and challenges in my life. I believe if I do so, my time here on earth will be well spent.

To Work Away from Home or Not?

I think this is a very delicate question and the answer is different every single time it's asked. I happen to be a fortunate woman who can work while practicing her vocation. I also happen to be doubly fortunate because I work by choice. But I have always worked. I worked in the summers. I worked right after college. I worked while I was engaged, married, and I work now part-time while raising two kids. I don't know how to not work outside my home.

There was a time in my life when I was a better mommy when I was working. My first son and I are natured so alike temperament wise that we need a break from each other almost every day. We've been like this from the cradle. It is neither good or bad, it just is. He enjoyed school right away and other than some tearful mornings from time to time, adjusted well. I did not. I cried every morning. The guilt weighed on me like an albatross. However, I was trying so hard to establish myself as a professional and I was up against a deadline for certification in my field. I pushed forward and eventually created a routine that worked well and we could all live with.

The second time I became pregnant, I worked up until about 5 weeks before the baby. Then I took a year off, just like I did with my first. Taking a year off with two children is much different. I was climbing the walls by Christmas, but I was also so tired from chasing two, that I was somewhat ambivalent about going back. Then summer came, and the baby was almost no longer a baby. I was ready and excited to return to work.

Now I'm three months into and I have to tell you, I'm ambivalent about it. My first son has turned into an interesting little boy who likes to spend time with me and my baby and I have not yet begun to push each other's buttons in a way that makes long breaks from each other necessary. I truly love what I do. It's my vocation. It's where I belong. But I'm also a mother and it's my vocation, my priority, and my God-given job. Going back to work again has not made me the better mommy that I was the first time. You know when you're a mom of two, you are a different mommy. Your body is different. Your energy level is different. Your time management is different. Things that were once important, aren't as important as they were.

I say all this to say that trying to balance life is not as difficult as I thought, but trying to balance how I feel about it is. We get up, I get everyone ready, I pack lunches, I drop everyone off (no tears from anyone most mornings--not even me), I go to work for a couple of hours, I pick everyone up at 2, we go home and play/nap/watch movies and eat snacks, I attempt to make dinner or plan to go out, we eat, we bathe, we read, we go to bed. It's a juggling game, but it's not rocket science.

Alas, I am no pioneer woman, nor am I a crusader with infinite strength and drive. My health is suffering some from all this busy-ness, my mental clarity is suffering, and I miss my kids. I haven't always missed my kids (holy horrors Batman, a mom who will admit that must be certifiable!). But I miss them now. I enjoy getting away for the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening. I can work and do nothing else, or I can not work and be the grade mom, the park mom, the book club/ night out mom, and the happy healthy wife my husband married. There is unfortunately not much middle ground for me. I'm disappointed, because I would like to say I can be all things to all people.

However, I am much reminded by those who have gone before me and give me sage advice I would do well to heed. This time in my life is a season. It is short and will pass. There will be time to practice my vocation later. There will be time to spend with my children in different ways later. There will be time to spend with my husband in a different way (besides sitting on the couch staring at each other with nary the energy for much beyond a lecherous grin).

So it is time to let go, to say no, and to enjoy my life. I cannot enjoy my family if my health is suffering. I cannot take care of my family if I cannot be present in mind and body. I am more than fortunate that I even have a choice to stay home. My husband and I are on the same page about my choice. He wants my happiness and our family's health preserved. If that means I go in and out of the work force many times over time, he is on board. It took us a while to get there, but we have come to an understanding about it. We have also made the decision that our standard of living will not be affected by whatever income I bring home. This was very important to us both. It doesn't take much to get to a point where two incomes are necessary in this world of uncertain times, so if we don't start there already, in the event of a life event that would make it so, we could make adjustments for me to go to work.

So I suppose it is time I changed my perspective and my feelings about motherhood. I hate those terms--stay at home mom, full-time mom, part-time career. Who has a career that is really part-time? The hours on the books may be part-time, but I think about my patients all the time. And I have yet to meet a mom that wasn't a full-time mom. To think of it any other way is just silly. And what mom stays at home? Aren't we constantly running? To the store, to the dry cleaners, to school, to the doctor, to the drug store, to the post office, this errand for husband, this errand for mother, this errand for self. Honestly.

Perhaps I will re-title myself--when I can find one that works. I'll let you know. Until then, I will continue to try to find that elusive balance of home and world.

Forgiveness

Well, I've embarked on a new journey that has taken up my blog time. My Bible study --for lack of a better description--has begun again for the fall, and I use my extra time to do my homework instead of blog--except for right now because I am busy writing run on sentences here on my blog.

This semester we are wrestling with forgiveness. Not my strong suit. It's not that I necessarily hold grudges, although I've been known to do that. I have a very long memory. I imagine God's memory could be longer than mine, but I'm told time and again in what I read and what I study that it isn't so. If he can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself? I think of the mammoth amount of pain he could hold on to if he chose to and he doesn't. The heartache we must cause him as fallible human beings is mind boggling, and yet we're created in his image. It certainly makes one pause to rethink what perfection is. Is it really not making mistakes? Is it really always doing the right thing? Is it really never making a misstep? Or is it something bigger than that? Is it more of a state of being than a measurable concept? If your state of being with God is perfect--in that you are his child and you are his beloved and you are his blessed one, the rest of it falls into place?

I've been learning to think about forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness is free. Forgiveness already exists. You don't create it, you enter into it. It's already there happening all around you, you just put yourself in the middle of it--like standing in a stream or waterfall. You don't have to wait for someone to ask for it, or think they need it. You can offer it to them without ever even telling them.

Then there is forgiving yourself. This is perhaps the greatest hurdle of all. If God forgives us and even forgets what we have done than why can't we? Time is precious and short. We don't have the time to dwell on mistakes and harp on ourselves for not quite measuring up. Forgive yourself, right the wrong if you can, acknowledge it if you can't, and move on.

There is so much more to do in the world than wallowing in one's own self-doubt and lack of perfection. If we didn't put so much pressure on ourselves to measure up to something so unattainable, then maybe we would see our sins for what they are, human. I'm certainly not absolving truly evil acts, nor am I saying we that we shouldn't feel ashamed of our behavior from time to time. Sometimes we do terrible things in anger or out of hate or ignorance or desperation. And there are some acts of evil we can't explain or begin to understand. But I do know this, every single human breath drawn on this earth is drawn by God's child. Every single person. And if his grace and mercy and forgiveness are all around us waiting for us to accept and move on, then it's time to accept and move on.

This is my new favorite quote. Every time I read it, I start to cry--and I've read it many times in the last week. It was written by Charles Williams. I don't have the bibliography information, but I'm not taking credit for the words, they're his, so read on:

"If you want to disobey and refuse the laws that are common to us all, if you want to live in pride and division and anger, you can. But if you will be part of the best of us, and live and laugh and be ashamed with us, then you must be content to be helped. You must give your burden up to someone else, and you must carry someone else's burden. I haven't made the universe and it isn't my fault. But I'm sure that this is a law of the universe, and not to give up your parcel is as much to rebel as not to carry another's. You'll find it quite easy if you let yourself do it."

A Soundoff about Marriage

You know there is no magical formula to a successful marriage. Sometimes we think some people have the perfect life even though we know know no one has it perfect. Sometimes marriages of our friends or acquaintances look absolutely dysfunctional on the surface. Even those we are close to do things or say things that raise our eyebrows. I'm sure I've raised a few in my short tenure as a married woman (almost 9 years and counting). All of us need a chance to blow off some steam about our spouse. I don't think it's disloyal in the least. It's perfectly normal to get annoyed, upset, frustrated, and sometimes angry about something between you and your spouse.

Most of the time, our friends are happy to be sounding boards for our outrage. And then sometimes, our friends say things like, "you know you should be so grateful that your husband does X and Y" that derails the entire process. These judgments have their place. Occasionally we need to be pulled up short from our complaining, particularly if we've started a bad habit. Over all though, I think these types of comments are not helpful to someone who needs a moment to vent.

I personally find that without a safe outlet to go to, life gets a whole lot worse. Sometimes you need to blow off about an event or a conversation, but not at your spouse. Little things get under your skin, or maybe it's something you've talked about over and over and while you're working on loving that part of your spouse, it still drives you nuts. I worry that people don't say enough and let things get pent up inside them. You can only swallow down so much. If you don't work it out, it will go to work on you.

I went to a mini-seminar this past Friday on marriage (it was really a kitchen sink talk, but we'll stick to the marriage part). While the speaker spoke of many things, these pointers stuck with me. First, be careful the train of thought you jump on. One negative thought leads to another and pretty soon you're having an inner dialogue with yourself about all things negative with your spouse. I confess, this is exactly what happens to me when I do not vent my feelings properly. I start the "blame train" which hooks up with the "pity party" train and pretty soon I'm steaming ahead at full-speed into bitterness and aggression against anyone and everyone who crosses my path. This is no picnic for those living with me. So I try very very hard to guard against this insidious inner thought process and instead do my best to turn my problems outward either to my spouse (as reasonably as I can) or to a trusted friend.

Secondly, how you greet each other at various intersections of your day is critical. Again, a light bulb went off in my head. How many mornings have my husband and I parted in less than ideal circumstances? I am half way through my shower, both kids are screaming, somebody has pulled all the Kleenex out of the box, both boys are hungry, I'm exhausted and all I want is a 10 minute shower and away trots my husband with "gotta go honey, wish I could stay." It's only 7:10 and I'm on that runaway train of negative energy. Recently my husband and I had a talk about this and we are working on making our leave taking in the morning better. He suggested I get up before him and shower. Then he can intercept the children while I finish getting ready in peace. I suggested he pack the lunches before he comes to bed. After making and cleaning up dinner I just can't face making lunches the night before. The jury is out on whether or not this will work, but the point is we're going to try. Maybe these seem like small trivial suggestions, but big help can sometimes come in small packages.

There are other intersections equally important. How we greet each other when he comes home from work, for example. One of the main causes of stress in our home in the last 5 years has been "what the hell am I going to find when I get home?" Now, part of me often feels like, "you'll find what you get and deal with it." Honestly, I'm no June Cleaver. However, we can work harder at saying hello in a civilized tone. I have to work on adjusting my expectations of him, of myself, and let it go when dinner does not turn out the way I hoped. He has to work on accepting that his downtime will come, but it may be after the kids go to bed. I have a feeling if we can work on these two intersections of our day together and I can work on derailing that negative train, life will greatly improve.

It's not that our life isn't already wonderful. We aren't having problems. We don't hate each other. We love each other and our children and we are committed to a healthy stable home. Healthy stable happy homes don't happen without work. Marriage takes effort and grace. People who think marriage is easy, either already do enough right that the stumbling blocks are manageable, or they've not yet been tried.

I have been musing on these thoughts all weekend. I often do the best work on my marriage out loud--whether on paper, with my husband, or with a friend. I have been blessed with many friends; women just like me who have their ups and downs. I admire the way they make life work in their own homes. I draw strength from their love for me and letting me be, as well as from their helpful and sometimes forthright suggestions. So next time one of your friends just needs a moment to blow like Mt. Vesuvius about her crazy husband, don't assume things are bad, or even that anything is really wrong. You'll know when something is really wrong. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to gently remind her of the good points in her life too. Just give your friend time to let it all out and let it go. She'll thank you, her spouse would thank you (if they knew), and you'll thank yourself, because you never know when she can return the favor.

The Political Sprint....

We are embarking on the final sprint to another election in this country. In a mere two months we will elect a new President, Congress, and various state and local officials to public office. All too often, politics in the modern 24 hour cable news cycle revolves around push button issues designed to raise hackles and emotions, instead of producing ideas and potential plans about real problems.
Indulge me for a minute. Why am I forced to decide which camp I fall under? First of all, labels are detracting and oversimplified. Secondly, choosing a political party on a single issue--which so many voters do, is poor decision-making. Alas, I have never been able to pick a camp and stick to it. I used to say I was fiscally conservative and socially liberal. Make sense out of that. I also used to say I was a Democrat because I was a woman and pro-choice and I didn't think there was any point in being a Republican. I've since discovered that idea isn't true either. Lately, I call myself an Independent. Unfortunately, I feel that an Independent doesn't really mean a whole lot. It basically means you are undecided and eventually you will go behind the curtain and choose between two candidates, neither of which appeal to you.
Our two party, first-past-the-post way of electing officials often times makes voting feel like a choice between two evils. I am certainly not criticizing our founding fathers, after all they created the electoral college which always makes close elections interesting. Our nation has survived for a long time on this Constitution and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I am, however, disappointed that we do not have a more equitable system for creating multiple political parties. The obstacles for third party candidates are huge, both financially and in the mechanics of election procedure. Think how much more interesting our political scene would be if there were five candidates standing for the Presidential election--a true liberal, a true conservative, a guy (or girl) in the middle, an environmentalist, and a populist. I mean, wow, we'd really have some choices. I wonder how much different law making would become if in our national (and state for that matter) Senate had 30 Democrats, 30 Republicans, 20 Green Party members, 10 Independents, and 10 various. I think true consensus might actually take place. Perhaps not initially, but in time, consensus would have to come. Maybe we'd really talk about issues and problems instead of regurgitating blasphemous one liners at each other until we are so gridlocked we throw up our hands and wait until the next election and start again.
But I suppose that's pie in the sky thinking. Perhaps it is naive. Apparently there is alot of that going around this election cycle. What I do know is, I sure wish I had more choices and not because I don't like McCain or Obama. I like them both. I do not like the political divisiveness that surrounds elections in this country. I get to the point of skating around saying what I really think with my friends because I still want to be friends the day after the election regardless of who wins. I am tired of 24 hour cable news that talks to me like I have the attention span of a toddler. I am sick of television ads and misleading billboards. And I am exhausted with the artificial choice between Republican and Democrat because honestly, I don't fit in either place.

Fatigue

Fatigue is a great enemy. I am so tired right now. I'm ready to just sit around screaming like my one year old. He's been at it for 2 hours now. It's 2:09 in the morning. I've given him all the painkiller I can give him for his molars (he's teething again). My older son is in my bed and my husband is out of town. Why now? Why always when I have no help? It's very frustrating. I'm ready to start breaking things just to hear the satisfying crash.
I have turned on the lights and turned on my favorite movie in hopes of riding it out with some semblance of sanity. Tomorrow is going to be rough. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn. Well, dawn is a couple of hours off and here we are. It could get worse. I could be going to the ER right now. He could have a fever or trouble breathing. Both of them could be crying. I could be homeless in a hurricane with two sick children instead of here. I'm trying to quell my anxiety and my anger by focusing on good things.
Maybe I should have a Hershey bar while I'm at it. That would help. Even in the Magical world of Harry Potter, chocolate cures a variety of ills from dementor scares to homesickness. At any rate, for those of you up at this hour, I wish I had some sage advice or at least something funny to say about crying children in the middle of the night. Alas, I don't.
I just hope you're 2 am is better than mine.