Lessons I Learned

I just read a funny forward from my friend Melanie. It was about the 11 lessons you need to practice and master before you become parents. I thought it was hilarious. So I thought I would take a stab at making my top 10 list of important lessons to learn. Here goes.

1. Baby weight--9 months on, 19 months off. This is a fairly accurate rule of thumb. Pre-baby weight does not translate into pre-baby shape. There is nothing you can do about this change.

2. Warm towels, cold cabbage leaves, the pump, and nursing pads are all overrated. If you're awesome at breastfeeding, I think it's the best thing you can do. If you hate it, or otherwise are having no maternal feelings about it at all, just stop. You can bond with your baby over a bottle. Life will not end. Your baby will be fine.

3. The dvd player can be your friend. There are tv natzis and then there are couch potatoes. Try to be somewhere in the middle.

4. Stickers do come off most things. It may take a little vinegar and warm water though.

5. You can wash almost any carseat cover. You cannot however get the puke smell out of the seatbelt strap. If you get puke on it, just learn to like the smell and keep the windows rolled down for about a month. You'll get used to it.

6. It is okay to leave your kids with a babysitter. You need a drink, a dance, and a double fudge sundae with nuts and kaluha--weekly.

7. There is sex after having kids. If you really want a gratifying sexual experience, or romance, send the kiddies to grandmas or get a hotel room. Otherwise get comfortable with quickies. Most movies are about 22 minutes long (without commercials). Sometimes you have to choose between sex and a shower.

8. Get up. Eat breakfast with your kids. THEN dress the kids. THEN put them in the car. THEN dress yourself.

9. Spit-up can make interesting geometric designs on your clothes. The patterns have been known to be conversation starters. The smell from the patterns will usually clear an elevator for you.

10. Most children do not go to kindergarten in diapers. You will survive potty training. Until then, give yourself a whole handful of m&ms for each unsuccessful attempt. The chocolate may stem the impulse to unintentionally shame your child. If you gain 10 pounds in this process, revise rule number one by 12 to 18 months.